In case you missed me posting this at 3am take a gander at your horoscope for the day.

-A

Hey, when did this happen? Merry Fifteen Hundred Followers everyone! Merry Fifteen Hundred Followers one and ALL!!!

Hey, when did this happen? Merry Fifteen Hundred Followers everyone! Merry Fifteen Hundred Followers one and ALL!!!

Aries:



You know that old friend you thought you’d never see again? Well never isn’t such a long time after all because you will be seeing quite a bit of them very soon. By which I mean you’re going to be haunted by the ghost of someone who may or may not have died in your cult days. So…heads up!



Taurus:



Your life will be forever altered today. But…I mean, the same could be said for…like any day of your life, right? No matter what no day can be exactly like the previous nor the following day. You know? I’m sorry, what was I saying? Did you want an actual horoscope? Okay, today you’ll think on that thought. How’s that?



Gemini:



You’ll enjoy a day of high spirits and friendly interactions. I know, weird right? Well you got this phone call and it turns out there are other people who, like you, have kind of become social lepers for one reason or another. You’re super stoked and the first couple of people you’ve met have been swell! (Swell? Who uses words like that?)



Cancer:



So some weird, dirty kids showed up at your front door and yelled at you for stealing Pisces from them and you are so upset and confused and children should NOT be that scary! Like, that wasn’t you being sensitive or some shit! These kids were fucking terrifying! And you know what? You’re done with people coming after you and you giving in! You’re a strong, independent werewolf AND YOU’RE NOT TAKING SHIT FROM ANYONE ANYMORE! Wow…Cancer that was super threatening! I LIKE IT!



Leo:



So you’ve taken all those songs you inexplicably wrote about Gemini and rewritten them so everytime the lyrics called for “Gemini” you’ve substituted it with “baby”. These are some damn sexy, awesome songs! You’re pretty sure you could become a pop idol! Yeah. You’re going for it.



Virgo:



Have you been working out, following a new dietary program, or both, Virgo? If so, today you could look in the mirror and for the first time see some tangible and positive results. You’re probably looking and feeling great. What? No, Virgo, I’m not hitting on you. Dont—what are you talking about? Sexual harassment in the work place? This isn’t a workplace Virgo! We don’t work together! We….I don’t know how to describe this relationshi—and I WAS NOT HITTING ON YOU!



Libra:



Haha! Horoscope.com says today “Have you been thinking about relocating, Libra?” Well DUH! You burned your place down! Haha! Oh stop crying. C’mon. We’ll get you a new place, okay? And we’ll make your address unlisted so people from your past can’t keep finding you! Aww, there’s that smile! Let’s go get you a place and not bother to explain how you acquired it, little buddy!



Scorpio:



Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, Scorpio. You may seem groggy and your head could be a bit cloudy today, but try not to let this stop you from getting your work done. You know, that important work you do? That….stuff you do for….OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SCORPIO! WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?!?!



Sagittarius:



Apparently you plan on moving earlier than you said so you WON’T be living where you’re supposed to be when your best friend comes to visit you next month. Nice. Really fucking nice. Oh no wait…that’s just one Sagittarius, not all of you. Sorry, I don’t know about the rest of you. But can you believe this? Rude. Doesn’t even tell me. Had to find out second hand through facebook comments on other people’s posts. Right?! I can sense you’re all indignant as well. Thanks for your support. You guys get cookies.



Capricorn:



Some disconcerting revelations about your past or the past of someone close to you could come out today. This might be a bit of a shock. Like…you had no idea your goat had such a checkered past! I mean, it’s a goat for fuck’s sake! How does a goat begin a fucking war?



Aquarius:



Aquarius has been laughing for like a week straight so…I gave them a heavy sedative because a) it was creepy and b) I was getting a headache. They could use a nap anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?



Pisces:



Aquarius is all pleasantly asleep. Mmmm….you’re hungry. (Oops. Probably should have knocked on wood at the end of Aquarius’s. Or…decorated them in crosses. EH! What am I supposed to do now?)





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zodiac aesthetics

howtobeaheartbreaker:

aries: drunk edgy retro adventurer 
taurus: electric pixie retro zombie 
gemini: 70’s lolita wannabe witch 
cancer: plain goth circa hipster 
leo: dirty dubstep bi punk
virgo: apocalyptic steampunk winter disaster
libra: 40’s fantasy stoner ghoul 
scorpio: vintage vodka surrealist royalty  
sagittarius: magical destructive retrofuturist superhero 
capricorn: decadent anarchist sick revolutionary
aquarius: post-apocalyptic anarchist teen monstrosity
pisces: 90’s grunge sick geek

Ok I just got here I'm a gemini and I just want to know why is almost everything dealing with them

Well, it’s quite simple my dear late comer.

You see, Gemini, in one of their latest criminal suits, killed a lawyer when they chose trial by battle. Because of this they were terribly scarred and sought out a therapist. The therapist they landed on was wonderful and listened well but it turned out it was because he was secretly taping his clients so he could turn their stories into a screenplay (violating quite a number of policies and laws in doing so). Enraged, Gemini shared this with their fellow therapy seekers and they were equally upset. Gemini prompted them to take legal action and they agreed. The one drawback was that they wanted Gemini to NOT be involved because they were worried Gemini’s illicit past would make a jury feel less like taking their side.

Distraught and unwanted, Gemini was feeling lonely and sought to fix that. But seeing as how nobody wanted to be around them they elected to cast a spell to make everyone love them instead! This, as magic often does, backfired and everyone became rather violently obsessed with Gemini.

Now, of course, the spell has been reversed, everyone can’t figure out why they liked Gemini so much for that short while, and Gemini is back to being lonely but looking for a quick fix.

You see? It’s all quite simple once you put the whole story together like that. Wait? Did I say simple? No, I meant the other one…..convoluted! That’s the word. It’s all quite convoluted once you put the whole story together like that. There we go.

I highly suggest reading our archives because we’ve had much better stories and standalone events than this.

-A

Aries:



Today you will brush your teeth. And you will eat that leftover thing in the fridge. And you will pick your nose and think no one is looking. But we’re looking Aries. We’re always looking. Is this getting too real for you Aries?! IS. THIS. TOO. DEAD. ON?!?!?!?!?!



Taurus:

You could have some intense dreams tonight, Taurus. You might find that they bring inspiration for creative projects, perhaps for redecorating or otherwise beautifying your home. Well…I mean…that’s like a nice way of saying that you’re having violent night terrors during which you are sleep trashing your house. So…redecoration might be in order…also maybe some straps to keep you on your bed at night?



Gemini:



You keep feeling lonely again, especially since people are avoiding your after that whole spell thing. It almost makes you want to cast the spell again. But every time you go anywhere near Aquarius’s shop they are automatically out there with a shotgun pointed at your foot (which you kind of deserve after that time you shot them in the foot last year) and telling you to head back the way you came. *Sigh*



Cancer:



Pisces has taken to living in your attic so they can be near you and then watching you while you sleep. You find this oddly comforting. Aquarius however disagrees and has begun hanging garlic and religious symbols all over their room.



Leo:



You can’t remember WHY you wrote all these stories and songs and drew these pictures of Gemini but…you are glad you did because you didn’t realize how TALENTED you are! You think you might be able to make a career out of one of these things!



Virgo:



Strange, passionate stirrings could find you wanting to escape from civilization with a lover, Virgo. Too bad you’re completely alone.



No, that’s it. That’s your horoscope today. What? Stop crying. It is what it is yo. Look….I’m not good with comforting…ugh *awkward pats* there there? If it makes you feel better, I’m no better off! DON’T CRY HARDER!



Libra:



Why do you people burn things down so often. Like…all of you signs. You just burn your houses down and don’t think about having a place to live. Are you comfortable living in the rubble of your old place, Libra? Maybe next time you’ll think before burning your house down during a spell induced fervor.



Scorpio:



Scorpio….what do you even DO for a living? Do you work? Do you do anything other than be unnecessarily violent?



Sagittarius:



Sudden and unexpected changes could have you feeling a bit confused, disoriented, and doubtful about the future, Sagittarius. But it’s okay. It’s a GOOD thing Starbucks is already making their pumpkin spice latte. It’s not a bad, end of the world thing. I promise.



Capricorn:



Today you may notice that a friend had noticed lately that you stopped following her on tumblr. You’re not sure why you’re suddenly noticing. Maybe it’s because she sort of passive-aggressively put it in her horoscope blog like it was just some random horoscope. But either way, you’re getting the feeling that she might be a little confused and wondering if she upset you or something. Because, it’s not that you got rid of your tumblr. You’re still following Rissa. So..uh…what’s that about Aly-I mean….Capricorn?



Aquarius:



Between making sure Pisces doesn’t eat you while you’re sleeping and making sure Gemini doesn’t come and get the ingredients to make all of you their fuckingfan club you are super on edge and-WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Oh…it was just a dog barking. Hahaha! Just a dog barking. *Aquarius laughs in an unsettling manner* A dog. A doggy! *laughing becomes a little maniacal* BARKING!!!!!! *laughing becomes frightening and uncontrollable and they are starting to foam a little at the mouth*



Pisces:



Someone close to you may not be totally honest. This person could be avoiding telling the truth or hiding something from you in order to protect you. But no matter what you must sniff out this person AND PUNISH THEM FOR THEIR UNLAWFUL BETRAYAL!!! HOW DARE THEY LIE TO YOU?!?!?!





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Lol you're posts are soooo dead on about aries ><

Yeah. That’s the beauty of being able to stalk every Aries in the world. And none of y’all seem to either notice or care. Because…like sometimes it seems like you guys notice but…you just keep going anyway. Do…do you guys LIKE being stalked? I wouldn’t put it past you…

-A

leeahbae replied to your post: Aries: Use the day’s boisterous energ…

Lmao so like my brother and sister are both geminis and scared both of them today by hiding in random places through the house

I just…I feel like you are the epitome of our Aries and I kind of love it.

-A

Aries:



Use the day’s boisterous energy to take charge and make things happen, Aries. You’ll find that actions you take today resonate in the coming days. Don’t worry about the consequences. I don’t know why I’m saying that…you never do worry about the consequences. So anyway it seems like today would be the day to really become close to Gemini. And how else would you do that but by hiding out in their closet and finding out what they do in their spare time?



Taurus:

There’s apt to be powerful aggression today that may leave you feeling like you want to declare war on everyone, Taurus. Suddenly everyone is hanging around Gemini. It’s like..you know Gemini is awesome and everything but you were following them around first and now all these other people are getting up in Gemini’s business and…you can’t help but feel super perturbed.



***



Cancer:



Pisces told you that they’re turning Gemini into a vampire so they can live together forever and you are CRYING right now. You just can’t believe how jealous you are. You want to live with Gemini forever. It isn’t fair! If you can’t have Gemini forever then…no one should.



Leo:



You’ve written a song which you feel might really convey your feelings for Gemini and have elected to sing it outside their window. Yes. This is perfect.



Virgo:



You may find that the more adamant you become, the more people shut you out today, Virgo. Maybe shoving armfuls of stolen money at Gemini is coming on a BIT too strong. They shut the door in your face but that must just be that they’re playing a friendly game of hard to get! You decide you have to just try harder! Though that’s kind of the opposite of what we’re suggesting.



Libra:



Your house burned to the ground and you’ve been standing there with your phone in your hand for the last hour and a half trying to decide whether or not to send Gemini a message on facebook. Like, what if you irritate them or something! But also, what if they are happy to hear from you!!! Gosh it’s so hard to decide!



Scorpio:



Tact isn’t necessarily your strong suit, Scorpio. No one would accuse you of being overly sensitive to other people’s emotions, but today you turn over a new leaf. This “new and improved” you tunes in to the thoughts and feelings of others and responds in thoughtful, caring ways.Well that’s what you WOULD be doing, if Gemini would answer their phone. You keep leaving long, rambling messages about just HOW caring and thoughtful you are, but they still aren’t answering! You just have to keep trying.  



Sagittarius:



You feel so depressed and hopeless. How COULD Gemini ever like you? You’re not charismatic like Leo, you aren’t sweet like Cancer, and you aren’t motivated like Virgo. How could YOU ever get their attention? You know the only way they’ll ever notice you. If you die for them. Then they’ll always remember you. Always.



Capricorn:



You finished all of the books that Gemini recommended and you need to know more. You felt so close to them while reading those books. You decide that you’ll just pop over to their house and just take a look at their bookshelves. Read every book they own. And maybe their journals if you can find them. Then you guys can be closer. You’ll be on, like, the same wavelength!



Aquarius:



On your way to find out what Gemini knew about the spell you found Sag about to get run over by a speeding semi. You managed to pull them out in time and when you did they told you they just wanted Gemini to know they cared. You could totally sympathize because, doesn’t everybody wish Gemini would notice them. Then Scorpio came around the corner and they asked why Sag was so upset. When you guys told them, Scorpio was all “Well it could be worse. I had this horrible vision not long ago where Gemini wasn’t really liked. It was awful.” And Sag gasped and was all “I’m so glad I don’t live in that kind of world.” And then you came to a terrible realization. One you really wish you hadn’t come to…



Pisces:



Jeeze. You didn’t think there’d be such a crowd at Gemini’s place. Oh well. You’ll just have to kill anyone who gets between you and an eternity with Gemini.



Gemini:



First Virgo showed up and inexplicably threw money at you like you were a prostitute or something. Then, after you slammed the door in their face, Aries fell out of your closet and began jabbering on about how much you guys MIGHT have in common. Then Leo appeared outside with a guitar and sang an oddly descriptive song to you and Taurus jumped out of a tree to complain about how they’d been following you first. For some reason it took Cancer trying to kill you, Pisces trying to drink your blood, and Libra banging on your window saying “THE FLAMES REPRESENT OUR PASSION!” for you to realize that maybe that spell you cast to make everyone like you had gone horribly wrong. Then Scorpio showed up and began brandishing their machete about to protect you from everybody (you never thought you’d be happy to see Scorpio and their machete). Meanwhile Aquarius sat a despondent Sagittarius in a corner and told you they know what you took from their store. You might have denied it but you were kind of over being stalked and people becoming obsessive so you wanted Aquarius to help.
The long and the short of it is, they undid the spell, no one has any idea why they were so in love with you anymore and you strangely miss it. Really Gemini? Really?



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Aries:



Don’t be surprised if your inbox fills with email or your phone rings off the hook, Aries. Friends, relatives, and colleagues could have great news and useful information. You’re going to ignore all of them, because you don’t want to tie up the line. Gemini could call! You need to make sure you won’t miss that, so you should just ignore all other calls. Nothing could be as useful as knowing how Gemini is doing. They’re probably just calling to tell you how great Gemini is anyway, which you already KNOW!



Taurus:



You know…stalking your boss is all well and good but…you feel like your time could be better spent. Like…what’s Gemini doing right now? Because Gemini is just so interesting. Like, so what if your boss is in a secret society? One time Gemini went off into the woods and saw a giant anthropomorphized grasshopper as their spirit guide and it told them that coffee was their destiny. That’s way more interesting than anything your boss may be into! Alright! Stalking Gemini it is!



Gemini:



Hey Gemini. How are you today? Oh right, haha! You want me to tell you! That’s why you come here. Sorry. I just get so nervous talking to you sometimes. I mean…you’re so cool and smart and…gorgeous. Can I just…like, sit here and stare at you for a while? No, Rissa, I write for Gemini! You don’t get to talk to them! Sorry bout that. Where were we? Oh right…how perfect you are…



Cancer:



You and Pisces get along so well right now. The only thing you argue about is who is a bigger fan of Gemini and what picture you have of Gemini is the best. But that’s only natural. Everybody fights about those things. You wonder what Gemini could possibly have to fight about. Probably nothing. They’re always right about everything.



Leo:



Your imagination should be flying high today, Leo. Words, images, melodies, or whatever your artistic media are probably popping into your head faster than you can keep track of them. So many ways to express your adoration for Gemini. That’s some detailed erotica of Gemini you’ve got there. And WOW…those drawings. Damn! Can I commission you to do one of me with Gemini?



Virgo:



Your mom dropped you off at home and wandered off back to her place. Whew, she’s finally out of your hair! Now you can pay attention to more important things. Like how to make Gemini pay more attention to you! You need to figure something out that will really make an impression. Like…robbing a bank! Yeah!



Libra:



Your house is on fire so you pull out your phone to call the cops, but then like you see your facebook app and it reminds you that you haven’t seen what Gemini is up to. So you facebook stalk Gemini as the manageable flames turn to a roaring fire. Your house was probably salvageable before but now…OMG is that a pic of Gemini at the beach?! HAND IT HERE I HAVE TO SEE!



Scorpio:



Strange dreams, insights, or visions could upend your spiritual orientation, Scorpio. It’s just…so weird. You keep seeing these flashes of a world where…no one cares about Gemini. It’s just like this world but Gemini is an outcast! They keep getting called “the criminal element??” Brrr…creepy. Well back to your topiary in the shape of Gemini’s bust.



Sagittarius:



A friend you may not have seen for a while could awaken strange new feelings for which you’re unprepared, Sagittarius. When was the last time you saw Gemini?? It’s been so long now. Too long. You have to go to them. You feel a magnetic pull towards their house (after you look up their address, of course). You must go to them. No wait, don’t. Why? Because you’ll just get in my way, they don’t even like you. How could they when they have people like Scorpio and Leo out there?



Capricorn:



A friend or colleague could recommend some books that you want to read right away, Capricorn. Well, like, you went to Target and saw that they had the new books in from Gemini’s Bookclub and you just HAD to buy them all. Remember to take breaks and read all of their blog posts about them so that you can know exactly what you should think of them. You know, what Gemini thinks of them.



Aquarius:



Huh, while trying to find a cure for your magical illness you discovered some ingredients are missing. Looks like they’re needed for some kind of reality augmentation spell. Weird. Someone is messing with reality?! You should take this to Gemini! They might know what someone is up to. They know everything. And even if they don’t have time to tell you what they know…at least you can be in the same room as their perfection. *Sigh*



Pisces:



You can’t stand the fact that you’re a vampire and will therefore outlive Gemini! It isn’t fair! The idea of a world without Gemini causes you to ache inside! It’s fine! You can fix this! You’ll just have to turn Gemini into a vampire. Then you two can be together forever!!!




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