Hey….remember us? We got lost this week. Sorry about that. No promises but I really want to get back on track this next week. If nothing else, you guys have no idea what happens when we’re not there to guide the signs. Like…it’s all out crazy pants banana town. You don’t even KNOW!

-A

leeahbae replied to your post: Aries: So…Aries held us hostage for s…

i would say sorry about the whole ‘holding you guys hostage’ thing but you guys took it the wrong way we weren’t holding you hostage we were just … uh … um … yep still not sorry lol

We’re not surprised. You rarely are sorry. Honestly though.

-A

Aries:



So…Aries held us hostage for several weeks. And no one came to rescue us. Not one of the signs came to rescue us. Not one of our fans came to rescue us. You guys all suck.



Taurus:



Soooo once Aquarius reversed the spell on themselves they pushed you to the ground and told you to fuck off. So you didn’t get to put the spell on Klepto girl and she got arrested. She was arrested for stealing a car off of a Jaguar lot and the footage from your shop was used as evidence that she had a serious case of kleptomania. So you’re back to being short handed,  Aquarius isn’t talking to you anymore and you don’t have the clientele Klepto Girl was bringing in. You’re so done with this shit.



Gemini:



You’re on your third therapist. The first one was afraid because they were the last therapist that Aquarius was actually able to save (remember when Aquarius caught that serial killer who was killing therapists) so they were a little jumpy when they found out you won a trial by combat and were supposedly capable of murder. The second one told you that you didn’t get to whine because you knew what you were getting into with trial by combat. So…you’re really hoping this one will stick.



Cancer:



You know what’s fun? Going to a fondue place! You know what’s not fun? Cancer constantly forgetting it’s too hot to just stick in their mouth so they keep screaming, running around in pain then eating more which starts the whole thing over again. Why Cancer? Just learn! PLEASE!!!



Leo:



Today is a really emotional day for you. Like…you just got weepy over an episode of Teen Titans Go! And then there was a mattress commercial and you just lost your shit. So…maybe you shouldn’t be watching tv if it’s having that kind of affect on you. Maybe read a book?



Virgo:



Trying to drop hints that your gay mom should marry her girlfriend is a lot harder than you thought it would be. You might have to be more direct. OR WHOA BRAINSTORM! What if you tried to trick her into it?? Like a bad 80s movie! THIS IS OBVIOUSLY THE BEST IDEA YOU’RE GONNA DO IT!



Libra:



Your mail carrier is now leaving you dead animals on your porch, like a cat would. Actually, at first you thought it WAS a neighborhood cat, since it was small birds and mice, but then you SAW your mail carrier leave it for you and… We think you might need to call the cops.



Scorpio:



Without going into too much detail, Johnny has been “taken care of”. Scorpio, why did you use air quotes? What do you mean by that??



Sagittarius:



Wow it feels like you’ve been a hermit for like a month! But you went to town for supplies and everyone else seems to be acting like it’s only been a day?? This is super weird. How did you go through that much toilet paper so quickly????



Capricorn:



You came home from walking your goat and find your house a complete mess and blood everywhere. However, Johnny is no where in sight. So you’re not going to question it, really. Better to just enjoy the silence!



Aquarius:



Hmmm….you now know that if you say any spell in this book you have it creates rabbits. NO MATTER WHAT! Watch. “Himble abri, abri voyon!”

SEE?!?! Wait wait! “Bara bara himble gemination!”

Why is this happening? Who wrote this book?



Pisces:



Hey Pisces….there’ve been a bunch of people almost entirely drained of blood around your place. So….seriously. Any time now you can tell us about the vampirism thing.




Lost and want to read from the beginning? Read from our archives!

Not feeling up to reading from the beginning? Read our cheat sheet!






This should hold you guys over until we update tonight!
-A

Hey guys! We’re not dead! I’ve finally gotten my computer back up and running (for the most part) so we’ll probably start updating again this week!

TBH we were going to update tonight but then we completely forgot because we both got home from work so late but OH WELL we’ll start updating again soon enough!

-R

x

OKAY! I’ve finally gotten to the computer without them!

ARIES HAS TAKEN US HOSTAGE AND DOESN’T WANT US TO POST! THEY MADE US DO THAT FIRST POST AS A COVER STORY SO THEY COULD TAKE THEIR TIME AND FIGURE OUT WHERE TO GO FROM HERE! WE ARE TERRIFIED!

If we die in this ordeal we just want you guys to know that—

We are fine. Just fine. Ignore the rest.

Love,

Aries Ariana A

Sorry for the lack of updates lately ya’ll but Rissa is having MAJOR computer problems to the point where it’s seriously taking it’s toll on her. So we’re hoping to get back to posting soon but, without both of us working on it, it’s not getting done right now.

-A

Aries:



16 notes?? Really???? Aries is starting a HUNGER STRIKE and, what, only 1.2% of you even care???????? That’s really messed up, guys. Ignore the empty bucket of fried chicken under their chair, Aries is starving right now.



Taurus:



Good news: Aquarius isn’t a crazy adrenaline junkie anymore.

Bad news: They are hiding under the bed of a very irritated Pisces.

Worse news: They can’t perform the damn spell from under Pisces’s bed.

Worst news: You just got a call from your boss and he’s finally noticed that items are going missing but Klepto girl is trying to blame you.

This could have all been easily avoided Taurus…



Gemini:



Every time you close your eyes you see that little DA dying. It’s awful. You’re considering therapy. That’s…actually probably a good idea Gemini. We’re proud of you for seeking help.



Cancer:



A get-together with a group of your closest friends could bring about some intense communication, with many revealing some of your deepest concerns, Cancer. Your thinking should be greatly influenced by feeling, so you might experience a high level of understanding that your friends are going to appreciate…too bad you have no idea where any of your friends ARE. Like, you know Aries is right outside your house but when you go to talk to them they just try to get you to join their protest. But since you have no IDEA what they’re protesting you just don’t want any part of it. Where is everyone? And why did they leave you behind?



Leo:



You finally did it. You finally tracked down the sphynx and dragon who ruined your life and you were prepared to exact your cold cold vengeance. Then you noticed something. Two somethings. Two little half sphynx half dragon monstrosities flitting around. One breathing fire while the other told riddles. They’d started a family! Suddenly you couldn’t bring yourself to exact vengeance upon them. Instead you had a lovely dinner of sheep intestines and raw eel before finally heading home. Your search is over and your anger released. Pretty fucked up ending there bro.



Virgo:



So apparently your mom had a fight with her girlfriend so she’s staying here a week to cool off. Your mom and her girlfriend go through this fight every few years where her gf says she wants to get married and your mom says she doesn’t think the timing is right and they have a fight and YOU have to spend a week of torture with your mother questioning every single choice you make. Like she stood in the doorway as you were brushing your teeth and asked you if that’s how you really brush your teeth, and when you asked what was wrong with it she just sighed and said “nothing I guess” and walked off. SHE’S DRIVING YOU NUTS. You need to get her to marry her girlfriend. It’s the only the to do.



Libra:



Your mail carrier keeps leaving other people’s amazon packages on your doorstep. You take this as a sign that they’re leaving presents for you. No, Libra, it’s probably just a mix up. And you really shouldn’t open those. Or keep them. This is completely normal, though. Your mail carrier doesn’t have a crush on you.



Scorpio:



Man you fucking hate that guy. Johnny needs to go. You’ve lulled him into a false sense of security by inviting him to stay with your friend. You’d let Capricorn in on your plans but you’re sure they’d just blow it and get killed. You’re also pretty sure that Johnny is planning something awful that is going to get Capricorn killed, or worse, POOR!!!! You have to do something to protect your things! You mean friends! Yes.



Sagittarius:



Day 1 of being a hermit. It’s not too bad, actually. You found this shack in the woods so that was helpful. You think maybe Libra used to live here. Oh well. It’s nice and peaceful out here on your own. No one to argue with. Nice silence. It’s lovely.



Capricorn:



You’ve decided to take your goat for a walk today. Why not. You don’t want to be home with that maniac, so why not be the crazy person in the neighborhood who walks their pet goat? Some of your neighbors stare at you so you yell to them YEAH KEEP STARING AT THE CRAZY PERSON WITH THEIR GOAT but then you realize that they weren’t actually staring at you at all, they were looking at the sunset behind you. Oh. You’re really on edge right now from the home situation, you might want to take it easy for a bit.



Aquarius:



You’ve got this, scaredy Aquarius. You’ve made the biggest step which was leaving the comforts of the bed (to be fair, Pisces had a hand in that by setting the bed on fire). Now all you have to do is reverse the spell and Taurus will finally leave you alone and you can run your magic shop. Remember what it was like when Taurus didn’t pay you any attention? Remember how much BETTER life was then? You can do it buddy! We’re certain of it!…..more or less…



Pisces:



You just set your bed on fire to scare your friend out and hissed at them to make sure they didn’t come back. Dead serious about that vampire thing. You would tell us right?! Pisces? That’s not an answer. Pisces?!




Lost and want to read from the beginning? Read from our archives!

Not feeling up to reading from the beginning? Read our cheat sheet!





Good news children!

I finally updated the frigging archives!!! Three months worth. Holy fucking SHIT! I knew I’d fallen behind but JEEZE! Anyway, there it is for those who need it! It finally is up to date!

-A