leeahbae replied to your post: Aries: Use the day’s boisterous energ…

Lmao so like my brother and sister are both geminis and scared both of them today by hiding in random places through the house

I just…I feel like you are the epitome of our Aries and I kind of love it.

-A

Aries:



Use the day’s boisterous energy to take charge and make things happen, Aries. You’ll find that actions you take today resonate in the coming days. Don’t worry about the consequences. I don’t know why I’m saying that…you never do worry about the consequences. So anyway it seems like today would be the day to really become close to Gemini. And how else would you do that but by hiding out in their closet and finding out what they do in their spare time?



Taurus:

There’s apt to be powerful aggression today that may leave you feeling like you want to declare war on everyone, Taurus. Suddenly everyone is hanging around Gemini. It’s like..you know Gemini is awesome and everything but you were following them around first and now all these other people are getting up in Gemini’s business and…you can’t help but feel super perturbed.



***



Cancer:



Pisces told you that they’re turning Gemini into a vampire so they can live together forever and you are CRYING right now. You just can’t believe how jealous you are. You want to live with Gemini forever. It isn’t fair! If you can’t have Gemini forever then…no one should.



Leo:



You’ve written a song which you feel might really convey your feelings for Gemini and have elected to sing it outside their window. Yes. This is perfect.



Virgo:



You may find that the more adamant you become, the more people shut you out today, Virgo. Maybe shoving armfuls of stolen money at Gemini is coming on a BIT too strong. They shut the door in your face but that must just be that they’re playing a friendly game of hard to get! You decide you have to just try harder! Though that’s kind of the opposite of what we’re suggesting.



Libra:



Your house burned to the ground and you’ve been standing there with your phone in your hand for the last hour and a half trying to decide whether or not to send Gemini a message on facebook. Like, what if you irritate them or something! But also, what if they are happy to hear from you!!! Gosh it’s so hard to decide!



Scorpio:



Tact isn’t necessarily your strong suit, Scorpio. No one would accuse you of being overly sensitive to other people’s emotions, but today you turn over a new leaf. This “new and improved” you tunes in to the thoughts and feelings of others and responds in thoughtful, caring ways.Well that’s what you WOULD be doing, if Gemini would answer their phone. You keep leaving long, rambling messages about just HOW caring and thoughtful you are, but they still aren’t answering! You just have to keep trying.  



Sagittarius:



You feel so depressed and hopeless. How COULD Gemini ever like you? You’re not charismatic like Leo, you aren’t sweet like Cancer, and you aren’t motivated like Virgo. How could YOU ever get their attention? You know the only way they’ll ever notice you. If you die for them. Then they’ll always remember you. Always.



Capricorn:



You finished all of the books that Gemini recommended and you need to know more. You felt so close to them while reading those books. You decide that you’ll just pop over to their house and just take a look at their bookshelves. Read every book they own. And maybe their journals if you can find them. Then you guys can be closer. You’ll be on, like, the same wavelength!



Aquarius:



On your way to find out what Gemini knew about the spell you found Sag about to get run over by a speeding semi. You managed to pull them out in time and when you did they told you they just wanted Gemini to know they cared. You could totally sympathize because, doesn’t everybody wish Gemini would notice them. Then Scorpio came around the corner and they asked why Sag was so upset. When you guys told them, Scorpio was all “Well it could be worse. I had this horrible vision not long ago where Gemini wasn’t really liked. It was awful.” And Sag gasped and was all “I’m so glad I don’t live in that kind of world.” And then you came to a terrible realization. One you really wish you hadn’t come to…



Pisces:



Jeeze. You didn’t think there’d be such a crowd at Gemini’s place. Oh well. You’ll just have to kill anyone who gets between you and an eternity with Gemini.



Gemini:



First Virgo showed up and inexplicably threw money at you like you were a prostitute or something. Then, after you slammed the door in their face, Aries fell out of your closet and began jabbering on about how much you guys MIGHT have in common. Then Leo appeared outside with a guitar and sang an oddly descriptive song to you and Taurus jumped out of a tree to complain about how they’d been following you first. For some reason it took Cancer trying to kill you, Pisces trying to drink your blood, and Libra banging on your window saying “THE FLAMES REPRESENT OUR PASSION!” for you to realize that maybe that spell you cast to make everyone like you had gone horribly wrong. Then Scorpio showed up and began brandishing their machete about to protect you from everybody (you never thought you’d be happy to see Scorpio and their machete). Meanwhile Aquarius sat a despondent Sagittarius in a corner and told you they know what you took from their store. You might have denied it but you were kind of over being stalked and people becoming obsessive so you wanted Aquarius to help.
The long and the short of it is, they undid the spell, no one has any idea why they were so in love with you anymore and you strangely miss it. Really Gemini? Really?



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Aries:



Don’t be surprised if your inbox fills with email or your phone rings off the hook, Aries. Friends, relatives, and colleagues could have great news and useful information. You’re going to ignore all of them, because you don’t want to tie up the line. Gemini could call! You need to make sure you won’t miss that, so you should just ignore all other calls. Nothing could be as useful as knowing how Gemini is doing. They’re probably just calling to tell you how great Gemini is anyway, which you already KNOW!



Taurus:



You know…stalking your boss is all well and good but…you feel like your time could be better spent. Like…what’s Gemini doing right now? Because Gemini is just so interesting. Like, so what if your boss is in a secret society? One time Gemini went off into the woods and saw a giant anthropomorphized grasshopper as their spirit guide and it told them that coffee was their destiny. That’s way more interesting than anything your boss may be into! Alright! Stalking Gemini it is!



Gemini:



Hey Gemini. How are you today? Oh right, haha! You want me to tell you! That’s why you come here. Sorry. I just get so nervous talking to you sometimes. I mean…you’re so cool and smart and…gorgeous. Can I just…like, sit here and stare at you for a while? No, Rissa, I write for Gemini! You don’t get to talk to them! Sorry bout that. Where were we? Oh right…how perfect you are…



Cancer:



You and Pisces get along so well right now. The only thing you argue about is who is a bigger fan of Gemini and what picture you have of Gemini is the best. But that’s only natural. Everybody fights about those things. You wonder what Gemini could possibly have to fight about. Probably nothing. They’re always right about everything.



Leo:



Your imagination should be flying high today, Leo. Words, images, melodies, or whatever your artistic media are probably popping into your head faster than you can keep track of them. So many ways to express your adoration for Gemini. That’s some detailed erotica of Gemini you’ve got there. And WOW…those drawings. Damn! Can I commission you to do one of me with Gemini?



Virgo:



Your mom dropped you off at home and wandered off back to her place. Whew, she’s finally out of your hair! Now you can pay attention to more important things. Like how to make Gemini pay more attention to you! You need to figure something out that will really make an impression. Like…robbing a bank! Yeah!



Libra:



Your house is on fire so you pull out your phone to call the cops, but then like you see your facebook app and it reminds you that you haven’t seen what Gemini is up to. So you facebook stalk Gemini as the manageable flames turn to a roaring fire. Your house was probably salvageable before but now…OMG is that a pic of Gemini at the beach?! HAND IT HERE I HAVE TO SEE!



Scorpio:



Strange dreams, insights, or visions could upend your spiritual orientation, Scorpio. It’s just…so weird. You keep seeing these flashes of a world where…no one cares about Gemini. It’s just like this world but Gemini is an outcast! They keep getting called “the criminal element??” Brrr…creepy. Well back to your topiary in the shape of Gemini’s bust.



Sagittarius:



A friend you may not have seen for a while could awaken strange new feelings for which you’re unprepared, Sagittarius. When was the last time you saw Gemini?? It’s been so long now. Too long. You have to go to them. You feel a magnetic pull towards their house (after you look up their address, of course). You must go to them. No wait, don’t. Why? Because you’ll just get in my way, they don’t even like you. How could they when they have people like Scorpio and Leo out there?



Capricorn:



A friend or colleague could recommend some books that you want to read right away, Capricorn. Well, like, you went to Target and saw that they had the new books in from Gemini’s Bookclub and you just HAD to buy them all. Remember to take breaks and read all of their blog posts about them so that you can know exactly what you should think of them. You know, what Gemini thinks of them.



Aquarius:



Huh, while trying to find a cure for your magical illness you discovered some ingredients are missing. Looks like they’re needed for some kind of reality augmentation spell. Weird. Someone is messing with reality?! You should take this to Gemini! They might know what someone is up to. They know everything. And even if they don’t have time to tell you what they know…at least you can be in the same room as their perfection. *Sigh*



Pisces:



You can’t stand the fact that you’re a vampire and will therefore outlive Gemini! It isn’t fair! The idea of a world without Gemini causes you to ache inside! It’s fine! You can fix this! You’ll just have to turn Gemini into a vampire. Then you two can be together forever!!!




Lost and want to read from the beginning? Read from our archives!

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Aries:



Emotionally, you may feel as if you’re running up against a brick wall, Aries. In fact, you may feel this way physically as well. Stop running into the brick wall, Aries. It can’t be good for your remaining brain cells.



Taurus:



Your emotions could be extra powerful today, Taurus, although something may not feel as if it’s sitting right. That could be the fact that you just witnessed your boss sacrificing a goat with his secret society people. Okay…they didn’t sacrifice a goat. They sacrificed an already dead goat and cooked it for some ceremonial purposes. But…still.



Gemini:



Your heart is likely to go to extremes today in order to prove its love, passion, and affection. You know…like casting a spell so people will like you. What’s annoying is it doesn’t even seem to have worked.



Cancer:



There’s a great deal of power and manipulative energy in the air today that could throw you off course if you aren’t careful. We’re talking about Pisces, Cancer. You know….how you’ve sort of just fallen into this relationship with them. Remember how you kind of resisted at first and now you’re like “Oh isn’t Pisces sweet? They take such good care of me!” This doesn’t seem healthy. Seems like they’ve manipulated you into being with them.



Leo:



You have the power to turn an unhealthy situation into a positive one. At least that’s what you keep telling yourself as Terry’s brother, George, -you know, your new ghost roomie- tears your shit up because he’s stuck there with you. You just need to keep a positive attitude! Silver lining, make lemonade, all that crap!



Virgo:



Difficult predicaments could arise today if you try to exert your will over others without having the most honorable intentions, Virgo. In other words, don’t try changing the radio station when your mom is driving. She’s very particular about that and knows how to kill you using just her pinky.



Libra:



The fire within you is raging today, Libra. No wait….that’s not within you. That’s your place. Your guest has set it ablaze with  a moderately sized explosion. God. Fucking. DAMMIT!



Scorpio:



There may be a great deal of fuss over something that seems quite insignificant to you, Scorpio. But I assure you, that man eating plant you seem to have grown overnight is not so insignificant to your neighbors and passersby. It almost ate the paper girl. No, that’s not funny, Scorpio.



Sagittarius:



Today’s energy can have you feeling ready for anything, Sagittarius. But you’re wrong. You’re not ready for this day. You could never be ready for what lies ahead. Never.



Capricorn:



Feel free to speak more loudly today, Capricorn. Like, yell EVERYTHING. It might irritate the people around you but, tough shit. BE LOUD AND PROUD CAPRICORN!!!! LOUD. AND. PROUD!



Aquarius:



So you gave me a long list of people who have the means and the motive to give you a sickness hex. Umm…this is a really long list Aquarius. What are you doing to these people?



Pisces:



Add more sunshine to your day, Pisces. It may be time to stir up your inner passion and-what? N-no. I’m not trying to kill you. Oh. You mean vamps can’t go in the sunlight. Psh. Must have just slipped my mind. No. Pisces, please don’t bite me. Please! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!




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thebroodyartist replied to your post: Aries: Today you will fEel like An id…

I should visit you more often!!!

This is just a true statement in general, Alyssa.

-A

Your predictions are literally true it's freaking creeping me out
Anonymous

I never know how to respond to this. Because…it’s a little concerning on several different levels. Please don’t be a Pisces. Please don’t be a Pisces.

-A

Aries:



Today you will fEel like An idea or someThing iS getting pUshed on you. Like someone is tapping into your suBconscious. Trying to Work its wAy into Your life. Weird. Now you want a sandwich…to eat fresh.



Taurus:



So you followed your boss around and saw him do a lot of boring things leading up to a secret meeting with a passphrase, a secret handshake, and ceremonial robes. You think your boss may be part of some secret society. But you don’t know what kind yet. Should you be worried? This seems like something you should worry about.



Gemini:



It seems like everywhere you go right now there are always people who are determined not to like you. You’re tired of being the criminal element and disliked! You’re likable! YOU’RE A GODDAMN RAY OF FUCKING SUNSHINE! So you decided how to go about it. You’re casting a spell so people will like you. You’ve already stolen all the ingredients needed from Aquarius’s magic shop and everything. Yeah…can’t see why people call you the criminal element at all.



Cancer:



Yesterday someone was mean to you and you came home and told Pisces about it while you cried over your ice cream. Today they are dead. Hmm…your new….either captor or romantic partner (you still aren’t sure what’s up with you two) may be a little…ummm…violent. Really Cancer? I think that’s the understatement of the week.



Leo:



So…you performed the summoning wrong and now you can’t send Terry’s brother back to the land of the dead or whatever. Now you seem to have a ghostie roommate. Who is really pissed about being stuck with you and threatening to be a poltergeist. You thought about informing him that poltergeists aren’t born from spirits but rather unrest, typically in adolescents either just before or during puberty, as well as mineral interactions but….that just seemed like something that would piss him off further. You understood what he meant.



Virgo:



Dammit. Your mom found you. You forgot about the part where she confessed to being like a secret agent or whatever and thusly able to track you down. She’s dragging you back home and threatening to ground you.



Libra:



A quick call to your old mental health facility told you that your new C4 loving house guest was not officially released but rather got ahold of some explosive ingredients and blew a way out of there. So…this is good in the most not good way possible.



Scorpio:



Today is a good day for getting out of the house and maybe doing some gardening. It’s a beautiful day Scorpio. Make the most of it!



Sagittarius:



You finally made it out of those fucking creepy ass woods. You were so excited to be free at last. The first person you saw was Scorpio and you told them you were back and they said they didn’t even notice you were gone. In fact, no one noticed you were gone it seems. Fuck them. Also, was Scorpio planting flowers? Because that’s really weird.



Capricorn:



Are you living your dreams, Capricorn? Are you still in touch with them? The energy from today’s planetary aspects can lend strength and encouragement to this part of your life. Take hold of the things you want most of all. Ask yourself, “What do I want people to say about me when I’m gone?”….take a minute here guys. This is literally what it says on horoscope.com. Like…wow. This seems like a great way to induce a panic attack in people like me. I mean, Jesus Christ. They can’t just say “Oh yeah, this is a good introspective day. Look into following your dreams!” No no. They had to say “What do I want people to say about me when I’m gone?” Like, what a weird, fatalistic horoscope.

My prediction for you Capricorn is to live life! Not get swept up in crap like “Oh how do I make my mark on this world.” Fuck that. Be alive and glad to be alive. That’s right. I’m giving you a real nice thing today. Fuck horoscope.com.



Aquarius:



You’ve been feeling sick lately. But not normal sick. This feels like a magical ailment. Well, Aquarius, have you pissed off one of your clients lately?



Pisces:



Okay, Pisces. That’s enough. You can’t keep up this weird obsession with Cancer. Or…at least stop killing people who upset them. It’s weird…oh and also horrible. Because…killing people is bad. Also…a good reason…




Lost and want to read from the beginning? Read from our archives!

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Aries:



You operated on a guy today because people have seen you so much they thought you worked at the hospital. The patient is doing well and expected to make a full recovery. Okay…you got lucky this time Aries but no more! It’s illegal if-oh. Forgot who I was talking to. Legality doesn’t stop you. *sigh*



Taurus:



You asked your boss about his life and he stared at you in contemplation for a moment. You could see the swirling tempest in his eyes as he clearly thought about what his life entails. Then he sighed, handed you a broom, and said “Some kid broke a figurine in the Star Wars section. Clean it up, will ya?” Alright! Talking didn’t work. Following him around like a creeper it is.



Gemini:



You hate everyone. You just wanted to get emotional help and then your therapist turned on you. Then you just wanted to help people and they told you they couldn’t be associated with you. People are awful and you cannot change your mind on the matter. Fuck people……….WHY DON’T THEY LIKE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!



Cancer:



So…you think you and Pisces might be dating now. They keep calling you their soulmate and stroking your hair. It’s weird….but oddly comforting.



Leo:



So you got all the things you needed to call on the murdered ghost together and began to summon him. He was not pleased. He said “Who the hell is waking me up?! I was asleep you assholes!” To which you replied, in a soothing manner, “We only wish to bring you more peace and find your murderer.” The ghost just looked at you then to his brother. “What the fuck are you talking about? I slipped in the tub and fell,” he answered. Umm wait what? “No brother!” the living dude cried. “You were murdered. Your head was bashed in.” The ghost facepalmed and sighed, “No, Terry, I bashed my head in when I fell.” Great. This is juuuuuust great.



Virgo:



You’re going to just sit around like a lump today and…you know what? That’s okay Virgo. You do it.



Libra:



Hey so you remembered why she was getting help. Your new house guest had an affinity for explosives. You remembered when she blew your mailbox to smithereens. Fuck.



Scorpio:



Don’t judge someone just because his or her lifestyle differs from what you consider normal, Scorpio. You seriously have no room to judge AT ALL. I don’t care what the circumstance…what do you mean one of your neighbors admitted to reanimating corpses?! That’s not okay!!! No, I’m not going back on what I said. I have the right to judge. YOU don’t. However…that being said, could you stop them please?



Sagittarius:



You may be bursting with energy and yearning to travel, Sagittarius. At the same time, your emotions could find a way to block these thoughts. You may feel like there’s some sort of weight holding you down. That’s because the magic of the woods has finally gotten to you and sunken it’s magical talons into your soul. You’re fucked, buddy.



Capricorn:



Just as the gnomes were about to overtake you, and you saw your strange life flash before your eyes, Aquarius came in. They began speaking some weird language and throwing around this powder which made a poofing sound and turned the gnomes into orange dust. When they got to the leader of the gnomes it stared at you and shouted, in an oddly gruff but squeaky voice, “WE’LL BE BACK FOR YOU!” and then Aquarius poofed it out of existence. You went to thank Aquarius for their heroics but they just handed you a piece of paper and wandered off muttering “Fucking rookie.” Wait. What is this?



Aquarius:



Did you just BILL Capricorn for saving their life? What a fucking douchebag.



Pisces:



Cancer has the worst case of Stockholm Syndrome I’ve ever seen so they seem to be enjoying your newfound creepy obsession Pisces. I did a compatibility check and it seems you guys could work out as far as the stars are concerned. As far as I’M concerned however, this is fucking sick and I want it to stop. Please stop. DON’T YOU HISS AT ME! Fucking vampire.




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In case you guys haven’t noticed, the update schedule has been completely thrown out the window. I’m doing this when I fucking feel like it and that’s all there is to it. Plus side: there’ll be an update tonight.

-A

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