The Butterfly Effect…

Aries:


Nothing big will really happen to you today. I mean, you’ll see a butterfly inexplicably trapped in your house and let it out but…that’s about it. Huh. You figure this is just a chill day for everyone. It’s a pretty butterfly though.



Taurus:


You decided to actually go treat yourself during your lunch break by dining at the bistro across the street. You discovered this was a really good decision because you server was flirting with you constantly. It was really making you feel good. Then, as you were sitting there with the sun shining on you and your server flirting with you one last time before you left (and you were pretty sure a phone number exchange was coming up), a butterfly came and landed on your server’s tray which caused the balance to shift. Your server then dropped everything on their tray (a slice of chocolate cake, an egg salad sandwich and THREE FUCKING CUPS OF COFFEE) all over you. Then they proceeded to laugh instead of apologize for staining your clothes and scalding you. Fuck this shit! You picked the cake up off the ground and smashed it into their face and hair before walking away, without paying your bill. They’re just lucky you don’t sue!



Gemini:


The cops, obviously, believed you over New Gemini since NG didn’t even look like the copy of your license they had made. But NG locked themselves in your house and were refusing to come out and then, for some godforsaken reason, threatened to set off a non-existent bomb. Because they have to take these things seriously, the police had to call in the bomb squad. Unfortunately the…law keepers in your town are a little on the incompetent side. So this one guy, who looked like he was 12, had his gun drawn and was ready for a fight. Then a butterfly flew into his face which scared the hell out of him causing him to shoot wildly. Long story short: you got shot in the fucking foot. Suddenly you’re feeling a little shitty for shooting Aquarius in the foot that one time.



Cancer:


You were walking to the pet store to get some pellets for some of your bunnies when you saw a butterfly. It was so pretty and it even sat on your nose for a moment (that was tickly). But then it flew into the road and a car was heading toward it. You were upset but you knew it would happen so you just stood there (you probably would have leapt in front of the car for a bird or mammal or reptile or amphibian but….less likely for an insect). The driver of the car had been looking down (ILLEGALLY TEXTING!!!) and when they looked up they saw the butterfly, thought it was a rock going through their windshield, and then swerved. Swerved right onto the sidewalk…where you were standing. You now have a broken collarbone. Fucking texting driver! You’re glad the butterfly lived though.



Leo:


So you were at the library by the open window which was a big thing for you. Because the people at the library get really tired of your loud dramatics so they usually turned you away. But they were giving you a chance today. You were reading something very interesting when a butterfly flew in the window. It was so pretty and elegant, the way it floated through the air. It landed on your hand and you were just in awe so you put your face as close to it as possible and it flitted over to you nose which….was so fucking cute. You were trying to turn your phone on so you could take a picture and when you did it made a really loud noise for the start up and, before you could turn it on mute, a bunch of facebook, text message, skype and missed phone call notifications sounded. They instantly threw you out of the library. With the butterfly on your face. Then that little fucker flew off. *Sigh* Life is hard.



Virgo:


You aren’t usually a spiritual person but when you couldn’t find anyone who’d heard from Libra you looked to the sky and asked for a sign. Just then a butterfly landed on a nearby rock and seemed to look at you. No…it seemed to nod at you. Then it just flitted away. Oh shit. LIBRA’S DEAD!!!!!!



Libra:


You were sitting on the diving board of the cement bowl which, if it had water in it, could almost pass for the motel swimming pool. You were thinking about how you hate that you currently live in a place where people bring their cheap hookers. Then a butterfly came and landed near you. So you talked to the butterfly about your situation, your life, the shit you put up with. And the butterfly seemed to listen even though you know it wasn’t. Still, when the butterfly flew away you felt some of the tension lift. Of course…then you heard gun shots from a drug deal gone wrong and that brought some of the tension back. But still.



Scorpio:


You were cleaning your house up and, at that moment, were at the windows when a butterfly came flying toward you. You turned the bottle of windex toward it and said, “If you land on this freshly cleaned window you’ll die!” So the little guy quickly flitted away. Damn straight. You don’t need pollen and shit on your windows.



Sagittarius:


Capricorn set you up in the front yard because they thought you could do with some fresh air (such a sweetie), Everything was going well until a butterfly came up and landed on your forehead which was….unbelievably itchy! And there was nothing you could do about it! So you shrieked and called for Capricorn…and then all hell broke loose.



Capricorn:


You put Sag out in the yard so they could get some air. No. That’s not true. You put them out there so you wouldn’t have to LISTEN TO THEM!!! Then you started feeling a little bad for locking yourself in your bathroom in a hot bath with loud music playing and a book in your hand. So you grabbed a towel and went to get dressed to bring them back in. Then you heard your name being called. No, screamed. OH SHIT SAG WAS IN TROUBLE! So you ran out in your towel with a baseball bat in hand to beat whatever it was that was making Sag scream (because it would be your fault if something happened. They were helpless and relying on you!!!). You got out there and saw there was something on Sag and, before you could recognize that it was a fucking butterfly, you began swinging the bat wildly!!! And you screamed “I’LL PROTECT YOU SAG!!!!” Then you realized what you were fighting and that in the process you’d broken a sprinkler head, your mailbox, your birdbath and a lawn gnome you didn’t even know you had. Then you also realized your towel had fallen off.



Aquarius:


It took a bit of advertising but soon enough you had a customer! You were so excited you didn’t even care that they were looking for ingredients for a love spell (you know, the magical fucking date rape which you abhor). It was grating on your nerves but you were excited to sell things! So you got them the canary feathers and things then they said that they had a living butterfly for the spell which would make it super effective. Then they showed you the beautiful butterfly they had in a jar. It looked so sad. You couldn’t stand it. You grabbed the jar, ran outside and released the butterfly before throwing the customer out on their ass. You now have a sign in your window that says “SAY NO TO LOVE SPELLS!”



Pisces:


You were looking to escape from your cage when a butterfly flew in. Which…was weird because there is no way a butterfly could just fly into your underground area. But then it got really weird when the butterfly began picking the lock on your cage. You’re pretty sure butterflies shouldn’t be able to do that. Like….89% certain! But still it did and then landed on your shoulder. And you were pretty sure it told you to “RUN IDIOT!” so…you umm….you did. You feel you must obey the butterfly…



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Aries:


The right moment to ask for a raise or apply for a promotion or new job could come your way today, but you’d better make use of it or the opportunity could pass you by. A chance for a romantic encounter or fun evening with friends could also come up. I mean…they could…but it’s not a guarantee. Let’s be honest, you’re not always very observant when it comes to these kind of things coming your way. Seriously though. I’m giving you a heads up so…do with that what you will.



Taurus:


This is a wonderful day to shop for new clothes, have your hair styled, or prepare a candlelit dinner for someone very special. Or you could do what you always do and sit around feeling bitter. That works too. Whatevs.



Gemini:


After stopping your credit cards and reporting them stolen (so New Gemini wouldn’t steal from you) you had a perfectly lovely week. You know, until you came home tonight to find New Gemini in your clothes and eating your tv dinner in front of your tv. You started to get angry but then New Gemini grabbed your phone and called the police to report an intruder in their home. Fucking A man!



Cancer:


You moved your bunnies up to your room today after spending the last WEEK converting it into a meadow! You put soil and grass down and fun things for your bunnies to play in and the right food for each breed’s diet. It’s…a little surprising how good of a rabbit owner you are, Cancer. We didn’t expect you to be horrible and abusive but we also didn’t expect you to be so weirdly competent. Those are the happiest looking stolen bunnies I’ve ever seen.



Leo:


You might want to straighten up the house this morning, Leo. Some unexpected visitors could drop by. With no warning, you could be serving lunch or dinner to a group of ten! Don’t panic. Just hide and wait for them to go away.



Virgo:


So…Libra never called back and you started to get worried. Turns out you had every right to get worried. A couple of days ago you went to see them and their house was burnt down. Is…is Libra dead?



Libra:


Fucking living in a fucking motel because your fucking house burned down is really fucking FUN! No. Wait. What’s the opposite of that? Yeah, it’s that. And you know what? You know whose fault it is? Virgo’s! You’re pretty adamant about this.



Scorpio:


You relaxed too much. You house went to hell and you actually have bills that have gone unpaid. Well fuck. Eh. At least this gives you something to do.



Sagittarius:


You’ve been laid up for the last week. You feel so helpless. But it’s good to know Capricorn is there for you.



Capricorn:


You’ve been Sagittarius’s slave for the last week. Every few minutes you hear that goddamn bell. You don’t even know how Sagittarius GOT a bell but they ring it constantly like they’re trying to make sure every fucking angel gets their goddamn wings. But every time you get ready to kick them out or tell them what for they….they look so sad and in pain and…you can’t seem to make yourself say no. You don’t know what’s happening to you.



Aquarius:


Okay…this whole starting up a magic shop has been a series of trial and error. Like…apparently some items can’t be placed near one another or else they will explode. Which *maniacal laughter* is a little difficult to clean up. But you did your research and now nothing is exploding. Ahah. Ahah. Ahahahaha! So far you’re really far in the hole but you’re opening your shop up in a day or two so you should be making money soon!



Pisces:


You didn’t kidnap Scorpio…obviously. Less obviously your evil kids locked you up for the last week because they saw you preparing to kidnap Scorpio and they didn’t want you to fuck things up for you. As it is though you’re tired of being grounded by a bunch of teenagers and preteens. Of course, when you call out “I’M NOT A CHILD! YOU CAN’T KEEP ME HERE!!” They only say that you’re proving yourself wrong.




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Hey guys I’m really sorry about this week but there’s been…a lot on our plates. Doesn’t look like we’re doing it tonight and we MIGHT do tomorrow and Monday but it’s not 100% and then Rissa (the bitch) is jetting off to visit her boyfriend over seas for a week. I will TRY to do some “OH SHIT ARIANA IS ALONE DOING HOROSCOPES” type posts because I do enjoy those. But life has been something of a shit storm lately, hence the lack of posting.

So, thanks for putting up with us and thanks for not abandoning us. Ya’ll rock! Especially those who liked my shitty drawing (whenever that was). You’re horrible liars but awesome for lying to me! :P

-A

Baby Virgo doing the family finances. I’m not very good at artsy stuff and I’ve never drawn a baby before but…I had time on my hands. If you can do better, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF VIRGO SUBMIT! 
I’ll bet you guys are way better than me.

Baby Virgo doing the family finances. I’m not very good at artsy stuff and I’ve never drawn a baby before but…I had time on my hands. If you can do better, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF VIRGO SUBMIT!

I’ll bet you guys are way better than me.

We’re always looking to the future. But let’s take a look at the past and what the past signs thought of the future. I mean…wait…did that make sense? What the fuck ever. I’ve had a long day. ROLL THE FOOTAGE! (Ariana, there is no footage. This is a blog.) FUCK YOU, RISSA! ROLL THE GODDAMN FOOTAGE! (Uhhuh…okay…sure.)


Aries:


When Aries was little, they wanted to be a rockstar. They…never had any musical talent. In fact, they honestly hated most music. But uh….they wanted the rockstar life.



Taurus:


Taurus wanted to be a wrestler when they grew up. They’re still holding onto the dream. Life isn’t over. (YOU GO TAURUS!)



Gemini:


Gemini wanted to be a concert pianist but when they reached the age of 12 they decided piano wasn’t cool anymore. Since then they still have no idea what they want to be. We don’t know why coffee keeps coming up…



Cancer:


Cancer wanted to be a junkie when they grew up. No, we shit you not. Everyone tried to tell them that it was a bad thing and explain why but Cancer really liked the word and had a fit if anyone said any different. So…they wanted to be a goddamn junkie. *



Leo:


Leo wanted to be the supreme overlord. That’s it. No cute story. They were a scary little fuck.



Virgo:


Virgo wanted to be an accountant. They would charge their friends interest on arcade money and would be caught late at night trying to balance their parents’ checkbook. It was…ridiculously cute. **



Libra:


Libra just wanted to make it to adulthood. They never had anything else planned. Making it out alive seemed like a difficult enough goal to attain. Can’t blame ya buddy.



Scorpio:


Scorpio wanted to be an actor/dancer/singer/lawyer/astronaut/president of the united states. They’ve already achieved four of these goals.



Sagittarius:


Ironically enough, Sag wanted to be a doctor. A few things are starting to make sense now, aren’t they?



Capricorn:


Capricorn wanted to be an artist. People asked what kind of artist? A painter, sculptor, poet, author? And they replied with “YES”. So….



Aquarius:


They were really really into Harry Potter when they were younger so they traded off wanting to be an author and a wizard. This delusion was only encouraged when their mother faked a letter of acceptance from Random House Publishing. (Thought we were gonna say Hogwarts huh? No. Aquarius’s mom sucked.)



Pisces:


Pisces didn’t want to be anything. Pisces was pretty sure they were what everyone else aspired to be. And this hasn’t changed…


*True story about our cousin who is a Cancer. He was really adamant.

**If someone could draw baby Virgo being an accountant we would love you forever.



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What is your favourite horoscope to write, like the activities they do?
Anonymous

That’s really hard. Because we get to have various story lines fluctuating constantly we get to have story lines we really like. Like, I love anything to do with Capricorn’s goat, Sagittarius taking a normal situation and making it something ridiculously huge (like the paintball game that turned into a seriously damaging war), Cancer discovering random hidden talents and not caring much about them, and Taurus being forced to deal with people.

Rissa, I think, really loves everything she gets to do with Scorpio because it’s just like “What devious thing will Scorpio do today?” And she also loves putting Libra through shit and seeing how they try to deal with it.

The hardest one to write for is Pisces because sometimes we set the bar too high. It’s like, “Okay, Pisces was possessed by Satan and stole a bunch of famous art….where the hell do we go from there?!?!”

But yeah. Basically we love writing when a particular story comes to mind. Our favorites are the ones that, when we try to read them aloud, we can’t get through without dying from laughter.

-A

Aries:


You have THE worst hangover there ever was. Apparently being drunk for two days straight, then drinking at a funeral to help get over a small hangover can make a MEGA SUPER hangover! You planned on eating some cheesy eggs with spam in them to get over it but every time you go into the kitchen there is this awful noise. It’s like your next door neighbors are trying to hammer every single square inch of their house and it echos into your kitchen so marvelously. You’re going to have to kill someone to make this stop.



Taurus:


You’re not ashamed to admit it. You saw the Veronica Mars movie. And it was fabulous!



Gemini:


We haven’t seen New Gemini around for a few days and that’s….kind of worrisome. Like, what if they’re pretending to be you? No they don’t look like you but they did their research and know your social security number and credit card information and….Gemini why do you look like you’re going to kill us? VIOLENCE ISN’T THE ANSWER!!!!



Cancer:


You were playing in your hidden room where you keep the bunnies (in clean, healthy, happy environments you promise!) just playing with the bunnies when you heard a noise behind you. You looked around to see a very confused Aquarius. Shit! You’ve been found out! You got really worried then Aquarius shook their head and asked about your credit rating. Umm…..



Leo:


The Good News: Because everyone is pretending nothing about the war happened you don’t have to start a new life in another town!

The Bad News: You still have nightmares about the cult you accidentally started.

The Worst News: You can’t spiritually connect with your dead AU self because you can’t cross dimensional planes like that. (Wait! You think that’s the worst part?!? You’re fucked up buddy! Real fucked up!)



Virgo:


You were at home when Libra called you and yelled at you for going on that date. APPARENTLY that makes it YOUR fault that they went over to Aries’s house and had to deal with a drug lord. Hey, you reply, you never made them go to Aries’s house. Who the fuck in their right mind would do that? They then yelled at you that you guys aren’t friends anymore and hung up on you. Oh well, you know they don’t mean it. They don’t have it in them to dump you like that. They’ll call back in an hour or so and apologize. It’s just what they do.



Libra:


Nope this is it. You’re never talking to Virgo again. You’re going to burn anything in your house they’ve come into contact with. No wait please don’t do that Libra don’t burn your house down PLEASE.



Scorpio:


You have been getting a lot of making out time recently. It’s pretty good for your stress levels. You’re actually feeling really laid back right now because of it. People think you’re such a tightly wound person but what they don’t know is that if you get lucky regularly, you’re actually one of the chillest mother fuckers there ever was. You’re going to sit back and play some computer games today. Enjoy the relaxation.



Sagittarius:


The doctors sent you home with a nice amount of pain meds. You can mostly move but your back still isn’t what it should be. You get home and realize that you can’t really walk up the steps to your house… Well shit. You guess you can’t really stay here then until you can manage stairs. Time to find a place to crash!



Capricorn:


Sagittarius showed up at your door and barged through when you opened it. They started talking about how glad they are that you’re letting them stay there and then they started making up a little bed on the couch and…No how are you losing control of this so quickly.



Aquarius:


Cancer was happy to co-sign your loan as long as you let them keep their bunnies. YES! Now to start your magic supply store! ……Shit. How does one go about this?



Pisces:


*Sigh* You miss Scorpio. That was the best funeral make out session ever (and you’ve had your fair share). You hate that you can be doing just fine without them and then WHAM! Suddenly you’ve got the bug again. Well….you COULD always kidnap them. That’s a good way to get quality time with a person!!!




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Can I just say, as a scorpio, your blog is 100% accurate!
Anonymous

Psh! We know it! And can we just say, as the horoscopologists, that we wish you would be a little more secretive about your elicit activities like stealing people’s souls and shit. Just sayin’. ;-)

So….Leo, true to form, decided to have a funeral for their AU self. And they demanded everyone attend. So Aries and Taurus pretty much just showed up for the booze (there WAS an open bar and Aries figured a little hair of the dog was in order). Meanwhile Gemini, Libra and Virgo had no idea how to react. Like, should they make fun or take this seriously? What does one do at a friend’s AU self’s funeral. So Libra prepared an awkward little speech about how they maybe kind of knew the deceased and Virgo made a power point to accompany it (lots of question marks involved there) while Gemini just supplied constant tissues for the grieving Leo. Capricorn brought their goat which was…HIGHLY inappropriate but they said they couldn’t get a goat sitter. Sag was in a back brace and wouldn’t stop showing people Polaroids they took of their AU alien baby which looks remarkably like their REAL alien baby so they figured it was okay to have these pictures in their wallet instead. Aquarius feigned reverence while also trying to discreetly talk Leo into allowing them to be their magical supplier for their psychic biz. Virgo then ushered Aquarius along, away from the grieving Leo. Cancer seemed to be the only one to completely take this seriously. They cried…a lot and even brought some lovely bouquets and wreaths for the service. If it wasn’t so bizarre a spectacle this would have been really sweet.

By the end….everyone realized they hadn’t seen Scorpio or Pisces since they signed the guest book. Taurus, regrettably, ended up finding the two making out in the closet.

And that’s why there wasn’t a normal update. Because these people are lunatics and ruining a perfectly good fake funeral. No…not fake….existential? Yeah, we’re going with it!

sixtyshadesofg replied to your post “Portals randomly opened up all over the world, confusing all, and…”

I hate you because this is accurate in a strange way, but I’m definitely slightly in love with you, but don’t let it get to your head; we aren’t the slightest bit compatible

This reply was a rollercoaster of emotion.

-R